Another DNF

I was going to start this post saying "Recently I wrote about a recent book I did not finish" except when I went to look for that post to link, I realize I posted that back in June. So not all that recent. That's just what happens when I don't post like I used to. Anyway, at some point within the last 6 months, I posted about DNF-ing a book.

That DNF-ing was for mental health because of LOTS of baby death and I could not handle it. This isn't that. This is just a regular ol' "This is boring and I don't want to read it" DNF. Which is not that notable as to warrant a blog post except 1) I don't post that often so try not to discourage me and 2) I very rarely DNF if something is boring me. I just slog through and try to find something to latch onto until the book ends and I can bitch about it.

Well, bitch about it when I was caught up with reviewing. Now it's more silently forget about it until I get around to a mini-review.

I think a few things have contributed to me stopping the book when I wasn't feeling it.

I didn't buy the book
Through most of my reading experience, I would buy the books I was reading. I would often buy them on sale but I would use my money rather than employing a free option. Which meant I felt more like I had to read the book to get my money's worth. Later, as I did end up with more and more free books, usually from things such as NetGalley, I wasn't spending money but the idea was the book was in exchange for a review and I can't review if I didn't read. But I have finally embraced the library and thus I can pick up books willynilly should I choose (provided they are available in audiobook which is how I consume like 90% of my books) and there is no risk. Which means if I'm not feeling something, I have less incentive to keep at it if I don't want.

So many choices

I have way less time
Oh man, toddlers. They take up SO MUCH TIME. Real needy and I swear, actively trying to cause themselves bodily harm so constant vigilance is key. My free time is limited to when he sleeps but that free time must also be used for base level house cleaning because toddlers are also tornadoes of chaos and zero cleaning can get done while they are awake. All this is to say that if I'm listening to a book that is 15 hours, those better be 15 enjoyable hours. Even if I'm listening to it while doing some of said cleaning because there are just SO MANY THINGS that I could be listening to instead.

I was recently listening to an audiobook that was 15 hours long. And I slowly found myself in a situation where I would normally turn on the book, but instead I was looking for something else. Like digging deep in some podcast archives rather than just picking up the book again.

I'm trying not to name names with the book but it was a genre I thought would be right up my alley (ha) and instead it was just so...annoying. Maybe it was the narrator, at least in part, but who knows. There was a lot of exposition and dropped in at weird points. Like in the middle of a tense standoff scene and suddenly we're getting UTTERLY POINTLESS background into the past dating lives of these characters and I may have yelled "Who caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares??" while listening during my morning commute.

Maybe the book would have gotten better. I gave it way more of a shot than I intended, meaning I listened to a full 5 hours and at one point was like "I'm a third of the way through, I should finish." And then I yelled at myself about sunk costs and decided to cut bait and just pick up something else.

I know past me would have finished the book. Past me probably would have read the book in a couple days while on the train and then would have named names in a review she totally had time to write. But past me is not current me. Current me is being more selective with how my increasingly infrequent free time is spent. Perhaps future me will have more time and more inclination to finish these books but who knows? Can I go back to always finishing after I've crossed the line?

I still feel a little bit of guilt not finishing the book. Which is why I listened to 5 hours of it instead of like, 2. But I have accepted that I'm not going to finish the book. It's due back to the library soon anyway and it's def not getting finished before then. I only hope for my future DNFs I feel less and less guilt until I am dropping books once they no longer entertain me. Those of you who are already at that point, please teach me your ways.

DNF-fing for mental health

While I fully support people who don't finish books, I've never been big on DNF-ing a book. The logic to DNF makes sense. Life is short. This is a hobby and why should I spend my free time doing something I don't enjoy? That's silly. And yet, I tend to have trouble stopping a book mid-read unless I'm really pissed off at it. If it's just mostly bad, I'll usually finish it. Hell, if it's really bad, I'll finish it just so I can write about how bad it was. But in general, if I start a book, I'm going to finish it.

But I think this was the first time I've put down a book that was pretty good and well written because I just couldn't with the story.

I was reading The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Potzsch. I got a copy for free for World Book Day and free is always exciting. I didn't know anything about the book but the description was interesting so I thought I'd give it a try. Here is that description:

Magdalena, the clever and headstrong daughter of Bavarian hangman Jakob Kuisl, lives with her father outside the village walls and is destined to be married off to another hangman’s son—except that the town physician’s son is hopelessly in love with her. And her father’s wisdom and empathy are as unusual as his despised profession. It is 1659, the Thirty Years’ War has finally ended, and there hasn’t been a witchcraft mania in decades. But now, a drowning and gruesomely injured boy, tattooed with the mark of a witch, is pulled from a river and the villagers suspect the local midwife, Martha Stechlin. 

Jakob Kuisl is charged with extracting a confession from her and torturing her until he gets one. Convinced she is innocent, he, Magdalena, and her would-be suitor race against the clock to find the true killer. Approaching Walpurgisnacht, when witches are believed to dance in the forest and mate with the devil, another tattooed orphan is found dead and the town becomes frenzied. More than one person has spotted what looks like the devil—a man with a hand made only of bones. The hangman, his daughter, and the doctor’s son face a terrifying and very real enemy.

See, that sounds pretty interesting, right? And there's going to be violence. I mean it's about a town executioner and involves a murdered child found. But I like true crime and horror stuff, I can do violence.

I started reading the book one day on the train, so I had an hour of (mostly) uninterrupted time. The writing was good. The story opens with violence, but the violence isn't glorified. It doesn't shy away, from the violence. I liked the characters of Jakob and Magdalena.

But as I read, I found I wasn't enjoying myself. Because, and I don't think this involves spoilers, but there's a lot of child death. Obviously there is that one mentioned in the description, but the deaths go on, mostly as a way of life of that time. Again, it doesn't seem to be gratuitous; it seems like that is what it was like. Children died in a lots of horrible ways and childbirth was extremely dangerous.

So I kept reading on that train ride. But when I got home, I put down the book. There were a few times I had the opportunity to actually sit down and read, which are few and far between now that the little monster is here. But the thought of picking up the book...I just couldn't do it.

I still didn't give up the book yet. I just decided "Now isn't the time, but I'll pick it up later." And then "later" came in the form of another train ride, and I didn't have much of an excuse to not read. So I picked it up again and thought "It's not so bad." But then. But then.

There was a new character introduced. I think a minor character. A little orphan girl who was remembering her family. In particular her mother, who died giving birth to her younger brother. Her younger brother died a few days later because with the mother dead, there was no breast milk for the baby. And that was when I quit. I couldn't do it anymore. So I put the book down and listened to music the rest of the way.

Turns out, since having the monster, I can't do child death. It's upsetting, and its stressful, and this is my free time. Why should I stress myself out? Why should I be crying on the train on the way to work over the back story of a minor character?

Obligatory baby pic to break up sad stuff

It wasn't till I was getting ready to go home, facing reading more of the book, when I realized I don't need to read this anymore. No one is making me. It's 100% up to me what I do with my free time and that free time is limited, especially with the monster. And it was this moment where I felt this weight was lifted. I didn't have to read this and I wasn't going to read this.

So maybe someday I'll revisit this book. But for now, I'm happy with my choice. And HIGHLY recommend DNF-ing if it's going to make you happier.