Monkalong Part V/Finale: I have sold distant and uncertain happiness for present and secure

Here we are, the final post about The Monk. Let's jump right in, shall we?

I didn't actually expect Ambrosio to rape Antonia. I was a liiiittle worried when Virginia showed up and Lorenzo was all "If I wasn't so in love with Antonia, I would totally tap that" but thought "Well, Antonia's probably going to die but she's not going to get raped. Something is going to stop this." AND THEN IT DIDN'T. NOTHING STOPPED IT.

I was very upset reading this section.

I was trying to figure out how I would react to this in the post. It mostly amounted to me trying to think up exactly what terrible things should happen to Ambrosio. And then he was tortured by the literal Spanish Inquisition AND the literal Devil so. Fine. I approve of said punishment.

Good job, Alice, for calling from the beginning that Matilda was a demon THE WHOLE TIME. Or at least, that's what I understood, right? Something created by the Devil to get Ambrosio when he saw how faux-righteous and jerktastic he was, and he has been planning this for awhile. The monk sees one boob and then he's a couple months away from matricide and incestuous rape.

I wonder if the Devil knew it would all happen so quick. I bet the he had all sorts of other things lined up and is now just going to have to save those for someone who doesn't fold so easily. I hope he can use Matilda for other soul-stealing cos otherwise it seems like a waste.

We also got Agnes's story but we all already knew this, right? We knew that was her when Lorenzo found her, we knew she was trapped down there and starving. Then we get a whole bunch where Lewis tries to convince us that Virginia wasn't some homework he forgot about and then did on the bus that morning before turning it in and I did not care about any of this. I would way rather get some pointless Raymond stories. Or some more Christoval. He should have made another appearance. And the Bleeding Nun. Would have loved to see more of her.

This was a roller coaster that I was absolutely not anticipating. There was so much crazy shoved in a few pages. Thank you, Alice, because there is no way I would have read this if you hadn't hosted this readalong.

A society of Rain Men would be dysfunctional. A society of Don Tillmans wold be efficient, safe, and pleasant for all of us

Remember when Emily of As the Crowe Flies (and Reads) wrote about how great The Rosie Project is and then I read it and it was great? And then Simsion wrote a sequel to it and though he didn't call it Rosie and Don Take Mahattan, it was still pretty fun. Apparently even Bill and Melinda Gates are fans.

In the first book, Don Tillman is looking for a wife and in typical Don fashion, breaks it out into questionnaires and spreadsheets. He then gets pulled into a separate project to help Rosie identify her father and of course those two projects result in the unlikely pairing of Rosie and Don falling in love. (Spoilers, I guess...)

This book picks up with Don and Rosie living in New York. He's teaching at Columbia and she's a med student. Things are going well when Rosie announces she's pregnant and Don begins to freak out. Which is not necessarily the wrong reaction, especially for someone who does not do well when things are not following a carefully curated scheduled. Which I hear babies are TERRIBLE at following.

Don's reaction to finding out about the pregnancy:

I was happy in a the way that I would be happy if the captain of an aircraft in which I was traveling announced that he had succeeded in restarting one engine after both had failed. Pleased that I would now probably survive, but shocked that the situation had arisen in the first place, and expecting a thorough investigation into the circumstances.

This tips off a series of events where Don does what he can to try to prepare for the baby while Rosie is seriously worried he'll actually be able to bond with this kid. Then there are a series of wacky misunderstandings that keep building on each other and yeah, the book probably would have been a lot shorter if the characters actually stopped and took like 10 minutes to explain things to each other. But of course that doesn't happen.

I liked the book. I did. BUT it's not as good as The Rosie Project, though I suppose sequels rarely are.

My biggest problem with this book was the fact that Rosie didn't seem to make much sense. As I mentioned, Rosie is worried that Don won't be a good father because he won't be able to bond with the kid, but she never actually talks to Don about this. Or anything. The two of them hardly speak and I get this is supposed to be them drifting apart, except Don isn't drifting because Don cannot read subtle cues so it's really just Rosie slowly sneaking out because she KNOWS Don isn't going to pick up on little things like the two of them sleeping in separate rooms. I mean, I get her being overwhelmed with her work and also being pregnant and not seeming to have anyone to talk to but the things she expected from Don seemed out of character. I'm not saying her concerns about Don aren't valid, but she's one of the few people that understands how Don operates so a lot of the way we see her interacting with Don seemed out of character.

BUT OVERALL the book was entertaining and Don was still Don, who I've been picturing as Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds, so that's fun.

It may not be better than the first one, but I was still entertained.

Gif rating

Title quote from page 42

Simsion, Graeme. The Rosie Effect. Simon & Schuster, 2014

Monkalong IV: since He had lost the reality of virtue, it appeared as if its semblance was become more valuable

It's Thursday which means it's time for another Monkalong post. (Thank you, Alice.)

Fair warning, I have had a couple vodka sodas, so if this post makes no sense, well, at least I have an excuse this week.

Remember how last week we were talking about how kick ass Elvira was (save for the whole copying the Bible by hand, except for the naughty bits, for Antonia)? I had fleeting thoughts that Elvira would end up coming to the rescue and saving the day. Except instead of that Ambrosio killed her because he is taking Matilda's "go big or go home" logic to sinning seriously. At least she prevented him from raping Antonia so that's something.

Wish Ambrosio could get stuck in gum

Since his first attempt (this week) at assaulting Antonia failed, Matilda convinces him to give Antonia a medicine that will make it seem like she's dead. Then he can steal her body and assault her at his leisure.

And of course this isn't the craziest thing to happen. If Lewis has aliens show up, I don't even know if I'll be that surprised anymore.

Theodore talks with one of the nuns who tells him that during the procession of St. Clare she'll tell him what happened to Agnes. Lorenzo brings a member of the Inquisition with him for this public declaration of guilt

had to be done

but turns out the guy from the Spanish Inquisition turns out to be one of the merciful ones. When the nun decries that the Prioress is a murderer and killed Agnes the crowd, who presumably don't know Agnes, goes NUTS and kills the Prioress and then decides to go after the rest of the nuns and burn down the convent while Lorenzo and Inquisition guy try to calm people down.

Lorenzo is helping hide a group of nuns when he hears a moaning. He follows the groans and finds his sister clutching a baby. Except he doesn't recognize her as his sister. She recognizes him but doesn't proclaim how she knows him but right? That's Agnes. She isn't dead but she is malnourished and faints before she can give any information. But Lorenzo drags her and the baby back up from the dungeon and eventually the riots subside and everyone can get to safety.

Lewis, you're one twisted guy. I can't even guess what's going to happen next.

Puppies instead of rape would be nice

Title quote from location 4841

Lewis, Matthew Gregory. The Monk.

It's only death. I mean, all of my best friends are dead

Neil Gaiman, I don't know what to do with you. I can't think of another author that I have such a varied opinion on. Or maybe it's really just based on a negative first impression (American Gods) because otherwise his stuff has been pretty great. Of course maybe it's the novels that don't work. I mean, Coraline and The Graveyard Book are book children's books, Good Omens was written with another author and Neverwhere is the novelization of the TV series. The point is, I like more Gaiman than I dislike, and I should probably stop claiming that I have mixed feelings about the guy and just go with AG was not my jam, but everything else so far has been. Especially The Graveyard Book which I loved waaaaaaay more than I was expecting. Love love love love love love love.

"It is going to take more than just a couple of good-hearted souls to raise this child. It will," said Silas, "take a graveyard."

The Graveyard Book is essentially The Jungle Book. Or I guess, so I've been told, since I only know The Jungle Book from the 2 Disney versions (cartoon & live action). The story opens with a mysterious man Jack murdering a family. But he misses the little boy, who crawled out of his crib and out the door, eventually making his way to a nearby graveyard, where he's found by a ghost couple, Mr. and Mrs. Owens. They convince the rest of the graveyard to give him Freedom of the Graveyard and he's given the name Nobody "Bod" Owens.

If you dare nothing, then when the day is over, nothing is all you will have gained.

The overarching story is about what happened to Jack's family and who is this man Jack, but the bulk of the book is made up of various adventures Bod gets into as he grows up in the graveyard. He meets a girl who comes to the graveyard, though her parents think he's just an imaginary friend. He discovers an ancient creature called a Sleer, gets captured by Ghouls, befriends the ghost of a witch, learns how to fade, and all sorts of shenanigans.

He decided not to tell anyone what he was planning, on the not entirely unreasonable basis that they would have told him not to do it.

The characters are so much fun. Bod is curious and kind. His caretaker Silas is creepy but takes his position caring for Bod seriously, the witch is demanding but watches out for Bod, and Jack is terrifying. Even if you could sort of guess how things were going to go, getting there was so much fun and there were a lot of tense moments.

There was something at the edge of Silas's lips that might have been a smile, and might have been regret, and might just have been a trick of the shadows.

I really didn't want this book to end. There may have been a few tears shed, which is not awkward at all when you're standing on the street waiting for someone to come pick you up (though at least I was out of the coffee shop by this point). I had heard great things about the book but wasn't rushing to pick it up since I figured it was a kid's book and I probably wouldn't be that into it and that is incredibly stupid of me because I could have read this so much sooner. Love love love love.

Gif rating:

Title quote from page 179, location 2138

Gaiman, Neil. The Graveyard Book. HarperCollins, 2008. Kindle

Bookish Movies, Good Job Hollywood

Remember when I got all excited because the trailer for The Martian came out and it gave me SUPER HIGH expectations for the movie? And then like the next day (OK, 2 months) later I saw the trailer for A Walk in the Woods and YES MORE MOVIES MADE OUT OF BOOKS I LIKE.

I know it can be dangerous to get too excited about bookish movies because who knows how it's going to translate. Maybe the director or the screenwriter or the actors screwed something up. Maybe the story just worked best as a book and it doesn't matter who you have working on it, it's not going to work on film. Guess what?

BOTH OF THESE MOVIES WORKED AS MOVIES!

First up, Walk, which between the two I was more worried about, because it's not like a straightforward story. It's got a story there, sure, but there's also lots of history and science woven in. And of course the part that makes it work so well is Bryson's tone.

Apparently Redford has been trying to make this movie forever, so it was in good hands. It's not exactly the book but it's actually a lot closer to the book than I would have assumed. It's got the humor, and I'm pretty sure Nolte was exactly how I pictured Katz and just never realized it. Sure, Redford and Nolte are much older than Bryson and Katz were when they did the hike, but it's fine. It still works this way and it's sweet and Kristen Schaal is amaaaaaaazing and THE perfect pick, even if her part is small. Well done, casting director.

Then there is The Martian and

I loooved this movie. Tom had the nerve to have to work both Friday and Saturday night so I was debating seeing it without him, but not really cos I'm not that mean. Instead we went to see the latest Saturday showing we could so we all got home at like 2am BUT DON'T CARE WORTH IT. The acting is well done. They didn't white wash the cast. The movie is long (2 1/2 hours) but it didn't drag, even when I already knew everything that was going to happen.

The movie has the same overall tone as the book, although we get to see a little more about how hard things are for Mark. In the book, we pretty much only hear from him based on what he's writing in his journal. The movie has those moments as well, via a vlog, but we also see him in quieter moments. FOR EXAMPLE when he's counting the potatoes he has while a massive storms whips around outside him. He's trying to focus on what he's doing and block out the noise, but the HAB is mostly canvas and you can hear everything. Will it hold? It's moments like this that give us a little more insight into how terrifying everything must have been for Mark, despite how upbeat he is.

Recommend both these movies. Ya done good, movie world, ya done good.

The Monkalong III: You have bartered for momentary power eternal happiness

Here we are at week three of The Monkalong (thank you, Alice) and let's see if I can sum up my feelings for Ambrosio

How I wish I could go back to Raymond's ridiculous rambling, totally off-topic stories about bleeding nuns and murderous bandits. Instead we get Ambrosio being the worst. More than the worst. Worse than he was when we last left him.

Now he and Rostilda are banging on the reg, because Rostilda didn't die because she tells him she knows of a way to live, if he says he wants that AND if he promises to never ask how she did it. Ambrosio agrees and apparently Rostilda wasn't a demon before, but she is now! Or at least she makes a deal with the devil, who she claims is now a servant of hers.

To make sure no one guesses that the super pious monk is a wee-bit less than celibate these days, he decides to rail extra loud about how people need to steer clear of temptations or they'll go to hell. Really laying it on thick. I am forced to assume every politician has read this far into The Monk and decided "Yes, this is a genius plan, and will never backfire."

But what He wanted in purity of heart, He supplied by exterior sanctity. The better to cloak his transgression, He redoubled his pretensions to the semblance of virtue, and never appeared more devoted to Heaven as since He had broken through his engagements. Thus did he He unconsciously add Hypocrisy to perjury and incontinence.

Though really, this is in part Rostilda's idea. At one point Ambrosio hears that The Prioress is going to extra punish Agnes for embarrassing her in front of Ambrosio, and he has a moment of pity where he considers talking to The Prioress and having her consider that whole mercy thing Jesus was talking about. But Rostilda says he can't do that, cos if he starts looking like he's soft on that sort of behavior, everyone's going to figure out what they're up to.

Redouble your outward austerity, and thunder out menaces against the errors of others, the better to conceal your own.

Ambrosio is apparently a "hit it and quit it" type of guy cos he is getting booooored of Rostilda and starts eyeing other ladies, eventually settling on Antonia. And I realize this hasn't been confirmed, but we're all in agreement that Antonia and Ambrosio are siblings, right?

Part of the reason he's tired of Rostilda is that he doesn't like it when a lady actually wants sexy times.

Matilda gluts me with enjoyment even to loathing, forces me to her arms, apes the Harlot, and glories in her prostitution. Disgusting! Did She know the inexpressible charm of Modesty, how irresistibly it enthralls the heart of Man, how firmly it chains him to the Throne of Beauty, She never would have thrown it off.

Elvira is seriously ill and Antonio is looking for someone to pray for her, and out of the goodness of his heart (or really, the thing in his pants) Ambrosio decides to give up his promise to never leave the Abbey and goes over to visit Elvira in person. And while he's there, I guess he'll get to see Antonia.

He keeps making regular visits, Elvira keeps getting better until one day, after visiting with her mother, he goes into Antonia's room and then assaults her.

She tries to fight him off and her screams were enough to call her mother over. And here's where I realized just how smart Elvira is

She judged that to unmask the Imposter would be no easy matter, the public being so much prejudiced in his favour: and having but few Friends, She thought it dangerous to make herself so powerful an Enemy. She affected therefore not to remark his agitation, seated herself tranquilly upon the Sopha, assigned some trifling reason for having quitted her room unexpectedly, and conversed on various subjects with seeming confidence and ease.

Naturally, Ambrosio vows vengeance against Elvira for ruining his attack. But we're not done yet, because there hasn't been enough crazy here. Rostilda knows all about Ambrosio's obsession with Antonia and is willing to help him get what he wants. By summoning the devil, obviously. Rostilda convinces him to go along with the plan using some pretty convincing logic (she does have the devil behind her, after all) that he was "planning the destruction of innocence" anyway, so why not just go 100%. Besides, he's not really worried about doing something terrible. He's really just worried about God being mad at him. And anyway, isn't God all about forgiveness? There's always time to repent and really, don't you want to make it something really BIG that God has to forgive you for. Make it worth everyone's time.

So, Ambrosio is now going to partner with the devil so he can get Antonia.

I can't even guess what next week will bring.