Wedding Update II: The ceremony and reception

You know how last week I wrote that post with the first part of the wedding stuff? And I said there'd be a part two that went over the ceremony and reception (you know, the actual wedding)? I bet you thought it'd be another month before that post went up. You're not alone, I thought it as well. But here we are, being super productive/avoiding chores by writing this instead. HOORAY.

I left off the last post after we did our first reveal and took all of the posed pictures. Now it was time for a rehearsal. Because yeah, we hadn't done one of those yet. I mean, really, how necessary is a whole rehearsal dinner the night before? We're all pretty smart people so we figured we can figure out how to walk in a straight line, stop when you get to the end (which was a wall so not a whole lot of other options) and then stand to one side. After the ceremony is over, you just walk back the way you came. See, simple?

Given the way I set that up, I bet you're thinking that something crazy happened and I'm trying to say we should have totally had a rehearsal the night before. Nope, things went fine because it was exactly as simple as I just described. Of course, it was so simple because the venue had 2 people that worked with us to make sure everything went smoothly and on time. Seriously, those 2 were LIFE SAVERS and I'm sure we would have needed several rehearsals if they weren't there to say "OK, you walk now, and then go there." And I'm super excited that their services were included in the normal price of the venue cos if they cost extra I know we wouldn't have paid the money for it and things wouldn't have been quite so stress free. They ruled.

The biggest "drama" at the rehearsal was that the officiant wasn't there. I think some people were waiting for me to freak out at this. I mean, if there's no officiant then the ceremony can't really happen, right? I wasn't too worried.

See, we originally wanted a family friend to officiate the wedding. She's a federal judge so we thought this wouldn't be an issue by NY state had other options and said only NY judges can perform weddings. Cos they're jerks. BUT we decided that she and the priest would co-officiate. So say the priest didn't show for whatever reason? OK, so the ceremony wouldn't be legally binding, but we'd still have someone to get up there and say something and whatever. We go to town hall or something for the legal wedding later. See, there are plan Bs.

We didn't need plan B though cos the priest was there hanging out in the lobby of the venue (we were outside in a different area rehearsing cos people were sitting in the ceremony area) so again, see? No need for stress.

Now, it's time for THE MAIN EVENT!

Everyone managed to walk down the aisle without getting lost or tripping or anything. The tripping was a real concern for me but it's cool, I had already told my maid of honor that if I fall she is to throw herself down in a super dramatic fashion so as to help take the embarrassment off me. I was talking to her about this as we were waiting in line to walk in and the best man agreed he would also make a big scene so DON'T WORRY. I love our friends.

Here's the thing about the ceremony. I already told you we didn't have a rehearsal to know where to walk and all that jazz. We also didn't really know what was going to be said. I'd emailed with the officiant/priest a few times where he sent me an outline of a normal ceremony, Tom and I picked out the things to take out, we picked a reading (Shakespeare's sonnet 116), and that was that. And we'd talked to Joy (the family friend) about how Tom and I met, our relationship, etc. The priest was going to say more of the traditional stuff, Joy told the story of how we met and how we got to this point, good times.

There was more religion in the ceremony than I thought there would be but then again, it was a Catholic priest so guess I'm not super surprised. Nor was I upset or offended or annoyed or anything. I didn't know it would be happening but the whole thing was so pretty. And we kept it to under 30 minutes. #priorities

I looooved our venue. This room was a big reason I wanted this place. It looks like you're in a garden. One wall has fake windows, the other is covered in mirrors and windows, and the ceiling looks like a greenhouse. You get the appearance of being outside with all of the benefits of air conditioning, which is just terrific. There was the option to have the ceremony outside and the venue seemed so surprised that we just wanted to do the whole thing inside. I'm sure part of that is because the ceremony and reception happened in the same place otherwise, so if we did it outside, they had more time to get the reception room ready.

After the ceremony it was back up to the bridal suite so we could sign the marriage license. And get some food. Food is important. Everyone else was at the cocktail hour which had SO MUCH FOOD. The bridal attendant brought us plates of everything down there (see how great they are) while we waited. There was some miscommunication between the priest and whoever told the priest where to go. He thought he was supposed to wait downstairs, we thought we were supposed to wait upstairs so it was about 20 minutes before things got figured out, he came upstairs to sign things, Michelle (MoH) and Mike (BM) signed as witnesses and then we could all go down to cocktail hour! Except for Tom and I.

We were juuuuuuust about to walk into the cocktail hour when the photographer came up to Tom and I and said now that the sun was down* we could take some night time shots. Our options were take them now and miss cocktail hour, take them after the reception starts (which our DJ said he FORBADE and not to be a dick or anything but you don't want to miss the reception) or not take the pictures. As much as we really wanted to go to cocktail hour, we decided on pictures.

Now RECEPTION TIME!!

Everything they say about the time FLYING by is absolutely true. Everything they say about you not eating is also absolutely true. We spent so much time visiting everyone and dancing that how can you even eat. We did manage dinner, or at least some of it, and small bites here and there but for the most part this was the time to actually see everyone who came to share the day with us and at no point was I annoyed I didn't get to eat. Besides, I was so amped up I wasn't all that hungry.

I also didn't drink that much because I kept getting a drink, putting it down, and then forgetting where it was. Repeat. BUT the maitre d was apparently a mind-reader cos any time I would think "I'm thirsty and could use some water" he'd pop up with it. AGAIN they ruled. So I stayed well-hydrated.

Time for a bunch of reception pictures? Of course!

And would you like to see some of our bookish details? 

Instead of a guest book, we had bookmarks for people to sign. Instead of table numbers, we named each table after a literary couple with a quote on the back**. Tom and I (and the entire bridal party and their dates) sat at the Calvin & Hobbes table.

The wedding wrapped up at 1:30, perhaps 2 by the time everyone cleared out and we headed next door to the hotel for sleep. Except as we walked in we noticed the bar that they TOLD US would be shut down by 2 was wide opened and packed with 2 other weddings plus several people from our own. OK, admittedly it was mostly my family that was at the bar because that's how we do. Tom and I made it till 3:30-ish before the adrenaline started to wear and it was time for sleep. Others stayed up and I believe my dad and stepmom won the night, making it to their room by roughly 5:30. Yay on us.

All-in-all there is nothing I would have changed about the night. It was everything I could have wanted. And even though up to and including the morning of the wedding I was thinking "Ugh, we should have just eloped" the day itself honestly made it all worth it. Good job those that convinced us this was the way to go.

MUSIC CHOICES

I know some people had questions about the music we chose for the ceremony, first dance, etc. I won't keep you in suspense any longer:

Ceremony

Everyone-except-the-bride entrance song: Chase This Light by Vitamin String Quartet (original Jimmy Eat World)

Now-the-bride-comes-in song: In My Place by Vitamin String Quartet (original by Coldplay)

Ceremony-is-over-time-to-walk-out song: Today by Vitamin String Quartet (original by Smashing Pumpkins)

Reception

Another-entrance-song: Still Into You by Paramour 

First dance (we danced the first minute just us, then everyone joined in): When It's Time by Green Day

Father/Daughter dance: Daughters by John Mayer

Grandson/Grandmother dance: Gracias Por Ser Mi Mama

Cake cutting (did you know you need to pick a song for that?): Everything by Michael Buble

Most of the thought went into the first 5 songs and the last 3 were sort of "shit we need to come up with something for then too? Umm how 'bout this?" We were also preeeeetty proud of the first dance song choice because it's a really pretty song and also NO ONE could guess it. I guess it helps that it's a song that was only released on the soundtrack to the American Idiot broadway play (which we saw twice so, fans).

GIVEAWAY TIME!

So one of my bridesmaids is super handy/crafty/talented (she who broke and sewed in a new zipper) made the favor for the wedding. She makes soap and always gives it out on Xmas and it's THE BEST. So when Michelle suggested she make soap for the wedding favor she was all for it. Doubly lucky, my dad and stepmom own a fragrance company so Lauren made the soap, they provided the fragrance and they turned out beautifully. You want in on this? Just mention it in the comments and I'll randomly pick...probably a few names (I have a LOT of soap left) and send you your very own favor.

*We had kind of a late wedding. The ceremony started at 8. Cocktail hour from 8:30-9:30. Reception was 9:30-1:30 with dinner roughly at 10, father/daughter & groom/grandmother dances & cake cutting around 12:00.
**Want a list of all of the tables? Sure you do
Calvin & Hobbes from Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson: Happiness isn't good enough for me. I demand euphoria! and It's a magical world Hobbes ol' buddy. Let's go exploring! (Since there were 18 of us at the head table we had 2 signs. Same couple, 2 different quotes.)
Eleanor & Park from Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell: She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.
Thursday Next & Landen Parke-Laine from the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde: The vicar shrugged. This was fast becoming the most ludicrous wedding of his career.
Lizzie Bennet & Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen: You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
Sherlock Holmes & Irene Adler from "A Scandal in Bohemia" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: To Sherlock Holmes she is always the woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex.
Ron & Hermione from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling: "Hermione, you are honestly the most wonderful person I've ever met," said Ron weakly, "and if I'm ever rude to you again-" "-I'll know you're back to normal," said Hermione.
Jonathan & Arabella from Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke: Sometimes it seemed as if she had fallen in love with him for the sole purpose of quarreling with him.
Beatrice & Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare: For which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?
Odysseus & Penelope from The Odyssey by Homer: Stranger, my beauty went forfeit to the Gods the day my Husband sailed with the Argives, for Troy. Should he return, to cherish me, my fortune and favour would improve.
Westley & Buttercup from The Princess Bride by William Goldman: As you wish.

As you can see, this plan provides many opportunities for me to die in a fiery explosion

At first I was sitting down looking at this blank page trying to come up with excuses to not write a review and not that I don't LIKE writing reviews but they certainly take more effort than NOT writing a review so. Yeah. But then I realized I have no idea what book I'm supposed to be reviewing next because I am so far behind with that, so I skimmed through my past posts and HEY it turns out the next one up is Andy Weir's The Martian and YES, I am ready to review this.

Holy shit, I loved this book.

I feel like I heard a few people talking about this book, but naturally now I can't remember most of them. Except for Sarah's review which was the point where I said "Hmm yes, perhaps I'll put this on my TBR list." And then I was flying to the West Coast and needed to make sure I had enough to read for all of the plane rides and this one was probably slightly on sale, so I snagged a Kindle copy and was ready. No, actually, I was not ready. I expected to enjoy the book (I wouldn't have picked it up otherwise) but I didn't expect to looooooove the book. I didn't expect to smack Tom in the shoulder every few minutes to say "OH MAN, THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD JUST READ THIS PART". I didn't expect to laugh out loud so many times.

Why don't I back up and actually tell you about the book? Sound like a plan?

Mark Watney is the only man on Mars. By accident. He certainly wasn't supposed to be the only person on Mars. It was never the plan to just leave him there. But then a big dust storm hits the area Mark and his fellow astronauts are working, causing mass chaos (as dust storms are wont to do, especially on other planets) including making everyone think Mark is dead. Probably because it looked like he'd been impaled and none of his vitals were showing up. The others face a tough decision to leave him behind in order to get away. GOOD NEWS! Mark isn't dead! Bad news! Everyone thinks he is so now he's the only person on Mars and no one knows he's alive and out there and he doesn't have infinity food and there are NO good bodegas on Mars so...

Mark is pretty smart. I mean, he is an astronaut and all so those guys tend to know some things. Most of the book is entries from Mark's journal, which is great cos a lot of them start with "Almost killed myself again yesterday. Whoops." And then he proceeds to tell you what happened and how he figured out a solution. I realize now writing this that sounds like it could be very boring or very tech-heavy and it's NOT. Not to say I understood every science-y thing said but I never got bogged down or overwhelmed or lost. Mark is pretty clear as to "This is the problem. These are some solutions. These are considerations for each of those. And go."

Mark is funny. Having seen some of the quotes from the book, I knew there would be humor but I didn't realize so much of the book would be funny or that it would work so well. And really, you need the humor because the other thing the book has in spades is SUSPENSE. I mean, you spend a lot of time going "Holy shit, is he going to die up there? Will anyone realize he's there? And even if they do, how the hell are they going to get him back? Man, Mars really seems to want to murder anyone that walks on its face."

The book is funny and touching and suspenseful just sooooooo so so good. I don't know exactly who the best audience for this book is. Everyone? Possibly everyone.

Gif rating:

Title quote from page 29, location 491

Weir, Andy. The Martian. Broadway Books, 2014. Kindle.

August Reading Wrap-up

Summer is over. I love fall and all, but I'm still pretty bummed come the end of summer. I blame years of school and summer meaning time off, even if I didn't have time off. But still August is over and thus summer is done and we're into fall and PUMPKIN ALL THE THINGS.

I'm super behind on reviews still, apologies for that. I will get caught up. Eventually. Before the end of the year? Hey, anything could happen!

Anyway, that stats!

Number of books read
5
SuperFreakonomics by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt (review from first time around)
How To Build A Girl by Caitlin Moran
Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
Where'd You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple (review from last year)
Zombie, Inc. by Chris Dougherty
Maus: A Survivor's Tale I My Father Bleeds History by Art Spiegelman

Number of pages read
1,828

Percentage of fiction read
66%

Percentage of female authors
50%

Percentage of white authors
100% - whitey white white white ::hangs head::

Percentage of US authors
66%

Percentage of ebooks
33%

Percentage of rereads
33%

Percentage of review books
0%

Books written by decade
1990s - 33%
2000s - 16%
2010s - 50%

Books by genre
Economics
Coming of age
Fantasy
Humor
Horror
Graphic novel

Let's see what September and autumn brings. Hopefully more non-white people. I like how I say that like I don't have control over what I read. Like it's up to the fates. OK so hopefully I will quit being a pain and will read something by non-white people.

Wedding Update: I Got Married (with photographic evidence), part 1

Remember (over) a month ago when I got married? And remember how I promised a wedding post? But I was waiting to get the photos because I know that's the part everyone is more excited to see? GUESS WHAT? We got the photos and I even managed to scan them in* so LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

To keep you in suspense/pad this so I can get 2 posts out of the topic, this one will focus on the whole getting ready and first pictures bit.

The morning of the wedding was fairly relaxed. We didn't do the whole "Don't see each other" deal and just stayed at our house. Along with the best man, his wife, and the maid of honor. Full house.
Maid of honor (Michelle, I'm giving names cos there are going to be a lot of people and describing each of them is going to take way too long) and I had to be at the hotel to get ready around noon so Tom was going to drop us off before he and and his wedding party people headed to the driving range.

We had the wedding and ceremony all in one place which was awesome because that meant I didn't have to work out any transportation. The venue is next door to (and affiliated with) a hotel and we got a room for Tom and I included. Unfortunately, we couldn't get into that room until 3. Fortunately my mom was staying in the hotel Thursday night so we could get ready in her room. Tom and his crew got to get ready in ours and I'm glad I didn't see the room until that night cos maaaaaan his room was nicer than ours. He totally had the prettier getting-ready room.

I hired someone to do hair and makeup because while I'm decent at doing my own makeup, my entire repetoire of hairstyles consists of "down" or "in a ponytail" or "in a bun that's going to fall down in 30 minutes". Professional help was needed. We also decided to have them come to us even though it was slightly more expensive because lazy. And also this way we don't have to worry about getting anywhere late cos HEY we're already there.

It was all very relaxed. Various family members filtered through the room. I only had 3 bridesmaids and only 2 of them were there getting ready (the third wouldn't get there till later) so we hung around watching Four Weddings and just generally hanging out. People kept commenting on how calm things were but I wasn't nervous to marry Tom. We'd already been together roughly 11,000 years (or like 9+) and bought a house together, so the whole "spending my life with this person" thing isn't really a big leap. That's not to say I wasn't nervous, but it had more to do with "falling on my ass" which is a pretty common worry of mine and I'm not normally in a gown and heels.

One of my bridesmaids (Lauren) did have an incident that could have resulted in a lot of stress if it a) hadn't happened the day before and b) if she wasn't such a kick-ass problem solver. So, the day before the wedding she was trying on the bridesmaids dress and...the zipper got stuck. And then after her boyfriend tried and tried (and tried) to get the zipper to move, it broke. She called around to a bunch of David's Bridals trying to see if any of them had the dress in her size and color but no dice. Her boyfriend told her she should let me know what happened but NO, she didn't want to stress me out. So she bought a whole bunch of zippers, figured out which one would work best, and then sewed it into the dress. So instead of being a severe source of stress I ended up laughing hysterically while she told me this story.

When it was my turn to get my hair done I said I didn't want anything with curls (I had done a trial elsewhere and while the hair looked really nice I decided curls aren't my thing) and I wanted to sort of a messy bun, but done pretty. She started with that and said "Yeah, this isn't going to work. Your hair. You have...too much of it" which I wasn't surprised about. Hell, when I did the trial she asked me if I'd be willing to cut any hair to make the style work better. And I chopped off 6 inches before the wedding. I just have a lot of hair which is awesome 98% of the time and also the reason I know so few hairstyles. Anything beyond those requires multiple bottles of hairspray and roughly a metric ton of bobby pins. Which was what was used to do the "much less messy but still unfussy" bun we went with.

After that it was makeup time. I described how I did my eyes before (neutral colors but enough so it shows up and looks pretty in pictures) and as for the lips I told her "I have no more lip stick or gloss or anything, so let's go with something that's going to look fine when it all wipes off in an hour and I don't reapply anything." And she was totally for it and everything was pretty. YAY.

Now my makeup is done, my hair is done, the veil is in and...I'm in shorts and a button down shirt waiting for the photographer. The third bridesmaid (Holly) made it and they were all dressed but I was told to wait so he could get the getting-ready pictures. Which meant I spent a bunch of time pretending to be a super hero with my cape hanging out of my hair instead of off my shoulders. Because I'm an adult.

Then the photographer showed up and it was time! (Meaning you get to see pictures!)

Here I am all fancy on the head and just...no where else. My mom and I were trying to pull all of the paper out of the dress (there was a LOT) and also get it hung up over the bed for pictures. In addition, I was trying to not step on the veil. I failed. Several times. As did everyone else.

Eventually it was time to get the dress on, which I swear, it always seems so easy in theory. When I went for my second fitting I went by myself, cos the only time they had availability was right after work during the week and how many other people can I have come with me? None, that's how many. But the seamstress was like "Umm, so you're going to have someone come with you for the final one, right?" and I realized I should probably see who's available. Luckily Lauren (to the rescue again) works slightly earlier hours than 9-5 AND works in Manhattan so she was able to meet me at Kleinfeld's for the final fitting and learn how to tie the dress.

I can't remember exactly, but it's possible at this point we were talking about if the photographer would end up seeing my underwear during the getting ready pictures and me saying that jokes on them, I'm wearing bike shorts. A friend who got married a couple years ago said to get bike shorts that are made to wick away sweat and that they are a LIFE SAVER so I said "Hell yeah!" and told Tom to forget any sexy underwear that night. He just laughed and shrugged his shoulders and said whatever is comfortable.

Then everyone was dressed and we did a bunch of pictures in the room and with me trying to look relaxed on the bed but ha HA this dress, while very pretty, does not allow for a lot of "relaxed lounging. It does, however, have a kick ass flower on the ass which was a big reason I liked this dress.

That lacing looks so simple, doesn't it?

When it came to the dress, I originally didn't want anything satin. But hey, look what I went with! It was just so pretty and fit me perfectly. I have to hand it to Kleinfeld's. Everyone there knows what they're doing when it comes to dresses. Oh, you want to see a picture from when I first picked out the dress, cos I couldn't share that before lest someone (Tom, it's Tom) see the dress before the wedding?

I look super tall in this picture but that's only because I'm in heels and on a pedestal. And the dress is still sort of pooling on the ground. It's a Pnina Tornai and they SAID they thought maybe they priced it wrong cos usually her stuff is way more and I feel like this is a selling technique but I ALSO really liked the dress and it was in budget, regardless of the reason so whatever.

Back to the wedding day.

We take some staged photos of me with each of the girls and with my mom, some of just me** and then it was FIRST LOOK time.

See, Tom and I didn't want to wait until the ceremony to see each other. Mostly because we wanted to make it to as much of the reception festivities as possible and we can't do that if we have to take all of the family photos then. So we decided we'll do all this stuff before the ceremony.

Tom's waiting in the hotel lobby and I'm supposed to walk down the stairs and tap him on the shoulder. I totally almost wipe out walking down the stairs because OF COURSE I DO. But I held it together. All of the family was there as well, which we said is what would happen but I forgot that there'd be a zillion people there. A bunch of people (not the photographer) were telling me to slow down so they could get pictures but I was just thinking "But but Tom is RIGHT THERE so yeah, I'm just gonna hurry on down." And I did. And it was awesome.

I feel bad for anyone at the hotel who WASN'T part of our wedding cos yeah, the lobby was pretty much out of commission at this point. Sorry, other guests. But we didn't take too long and then it was off to the venue for 4000 family photos.

The place was right next door so we just had to walk there. I was, however, still getting used to moving around in a dress that weighs way more than my normal t-shirt and jeans.

This was my "I think someone is stepping on me.  Yup, yup, definitely getting stepped on." face.

I won't bore you with all of those photos (again, see Facebook note below) but here are some fun ones

Me and the bridesmaids

Best man & maid of honor

The whole party

Just the 2 of us

EVERYONE WAS SO PRETTY. Tom had 5 people on his side, cos he's more popular than me. (When I told Tom this he smiled and said "Yeah, I am.") Four groomsmen and one groomswoman. In case you're wondering who the other lady is in the pic.

I think I've gone on long enough for now. Next time will be even longer, since that will cover both the ceremony and the reception. It will also involve a lot more pictures. And then there will be a couple honeymoon posts. Oh man, I bet I can milk this through the end of the year...

Till next time!

*We're getting a CD with all of the photos once our order is complete. Right now we just have the proofs and we have to pick out images for the albums, prints, etc. Hence all the scanning. You know, like an animal.
**I won't bore you with all of those here but I'll probably be putting a whole bunch up on Facebook cos that's pretty much what that is for, right? Plus I LOVE when people put up wedding photos because I never remember to take pictures at people's wedding, so I always just grab the professional ones.

Oedipus: A Summary

Every once in awhile I will entertain myself by retelling a story, usually something Shakespeare or the like, in essentially the same language/style I use to write this blog. Because I'm a giant nerd, in case you were unaware. Now I want to write a post but I also don't want to think to much (aka write a review, which believe it or not I do put thought into) and while I have wedding photos now, I haven't scanned them just yet so I can't write that post. Or I suppose I COULD but yeah, I'm not going to.* Instead, you get to enjoy my retelling of Oedipus because that's what I was telling myself while I walked from my office to the subway.**

Once upon a time, there was a King and Queen of Thebes. They had a baby and were like "Look what we made. We're terrific and I'm sure nothing terrible could come of this. Hey oracle, why don't you come over and tell us how awesome our baby is and great everything is going to be." And the oracle said "Yeah, yeah, great ki...No, wait. This one is definitely going to murder you. And then marry your wife. Well, that's a bummer. Good luck with that."

Odds are he was killed cos I assume kings and queens of ancient times were all about shooting the messenger. 300 was pretty much a documentary, right?

King Laius and Queen Jocasta are all "Well. Shit. We should do something to thwart this." You'd think, as the kid is growing up, Jocasta makes extra sure she doesn't marry him, which would seem fairly easy if she were to keep him around, but Laius was (understandably) more worried about the whole murder thing, so it was decided the kid's gotta go. But being not thoroughly terrible people, they couldn't bring themselves to do the kid in, so they give the kid to a servant to do their dirty work. The servant is also not thoroughly terrible and can't murder the kid. But he's sort of terrible as he binds/pins/nails the baby's feet together for...reasons, I guess? I mean, it's an infant. What was it going to do? Run off?

A real threat

Maybe not the brightest servant. Anyway, he leaves him on a mountain figuring that oughta do it, which isn't really that unreasonable of an assumption.

BUT some shepherds were wandering that mountainside (servant probably could have picked somewhere more secluded) and found the kid and brought him to King Polybus and Queen Merope who really wanted kids but couldn't have them. Then they named the kid Oedipus, aka "swollen foot" after the fact that his foot was all fucked up because of the whole binds/pins/nails thing which

Who names their kid after its physical deformity? It's probably for the best that they couldn't have kids or else Oedipus might have ended up with siblings "Dumbo ears" and "Weirdly tiny hands" which I'm sure would have sounded fancy in ancient Greek, but still not an excuse.

Oedipus grew up fairly normal so good on him until one day a random drunk guy calls him a "bastard" which super pisses him off, but not at the drunk guy. Not just at the drunk guy, anyway. He goes to check with his parents who are very "Whaaa? No. You are totally our kid by birth. We had the whole labor on video, but this asshole taped over it or else we would absolutely show you that. Now why don't you go out and play, ol' club foot?" Then he decides to go talk to an oracle and just happens to get the same one Laius and Jocasta talked to who tells Oedipus "You're totally going to kill your dad and marry your mom" which, again, I could see who the whole "kill your dad" thing might happen even if you don't want/mean for it to, but the "marrying your mom" thing seems easier to avoid. However, Oedipus doesn't trust himself and decides to leave Corinth and head over to Thebes cos that place seems pretty neat.

On the way there Oedipus comes to a fork in the road where it just so happens that King Laius is in the area as well. The two of them fight over who has the right-of-way because road rage is far more ancient than I would have otherwise assumed and Oedipus kills Laius. Given the whole prophecy that he CLEARLY believes, seeing that he left Corinth to prevent it from coming true, you'd think he'd be more careful when it comes to killing people that are roughly "dad" age, but Oedipus isn't that bright.

Oedipus makes his way to Thebes, which is guarded by the Sphinx who asks people a riddle and if they get it right they can enter Thebes and if they get it wrong they get killed. Could someone please explain what's so awesome about Thebes that it's worth probably getting eaten by a mythical creature just to get in? Oedipus is all for the challenge and answers the Sphinx's riddle correctly and he gets to enter Thebes! Yay, I guess!

Creon (Jocasta's brother) says whoever answers the Sphinx's riddle correctly and frees the city of her terror (I guess no one in the city tried to answer her riddle cos it seemed like she was only attacking new people coming into the city, but given Laius was wandering outside the city, I guess she doesn't really care if you leave. No riddle there.) gets to marry Jocasta who was recently widowed. Super recently, as a matter of fact. There isn't really anything about how long Oedipus's journey from Corinth to Thebes is, or how far he was into said journey when he murdered Laius, but it seems like not THAT much time has gone by. Aren't they still in mourning over their lost king? Do they even know he's dead or is he just missing?

Sounds like they all wanted Laius out of the way.

Anyway, so now Jocasta and Oedipus are married because women are door prizes, obv.

Also, again, they BOTH know the whole prophecy is that they will marry their mom/son so you'd THINK they'd keep their paramours out of those age ranges. Or maybe they'd be sitting around the fire drinking wine and get to talking about their past and "OMG you went to visit an oracle too? What'd he tell you? Because he told me I would kill my dad and marry my mom! Crazy, right? Anyway, what'd your oracle say?"

They don't do that cos OF COURSE NOT and instead get married and do the nasty at least 4 times cos Oedipus ends up with 4 kids/siblings. Ew.

Many years go by and suddenly a plague of infertility hits Thebes because sure, why not punish everyone cos of a few dumbasses. Also not sure why the plague took so long to hit but odds are the gods were busy/drunk earlier. I assume this wasn't Zeus doing the plaguing either, since he is into some weird kinky stuff and I assume this wouldn't bother him too much. Actually, that's a good question. Which of the gods was annoyed by this incest cos in general, that does not super seem like a thing they had an issue with. Oedipus tries to figure out how to stop the plague and Creon visits another oracle and really, stop that. This oracle says the plague will stop when Laius's killer is brought to justice but doesn't bring up the fact that apparently YEARS have gone by and no explanation why the plague suddenly started up. Lotta holes in their story, I'm saying.

Oedipus is going around sounding like a jackass yelling about how he's going to catch the killer and...awkward. Creon calls another oracle in cos these guys are just all over the place to tell them who killed Laius. This oracle doesn't want to tell anyone that it was the guy currently yelling in his face that he needs to know how the killer is, but at some point you can't help but tell the guy "you did it. And you've been screwing your mom. So maybe get out of my face." He also mentions something about how Oedipus should be ashamed cos he doesn't know who his real parents are, which should really fall behind the whole "killed your dad/screwing your mom" thing, at least in my mind. Ancient Greece had messed up priorities.

Eventually Jocasta figures out what's going on. Oedipus doesn't because he's sort of a dumbass. Jocasta goes to hang herself because ew ew eww. Oedipus FINALLY figures out what's going on (after like the 6th person spells it out to him), finds Jocasta hanging there, and stabs his eyes out. And then we get my favorite joke from History of the World

THE END


*This Sunday? Possibly! Likely, even!
** I am often lost in my own world while walking, and I'll randomly find I've been laughing/muttering to myself. I'd be more self-conscious about this, but I am never the weirdest person on the block (thank you, NYC) so it really doesn't matter.
*** I know there are some versions where Laius does this and then immediately leaves him on a hill. Others where they give him to a servant who does the binding. Whatever. Either way, what's the point of binding a baby if you're just going to leave him on a mountain. It's a BABY.

Nick Davenant had far too much past

It's been almost 2 months since I read Bee Ridgway's The River of No Return and I really shouldn't let that much time go between reading and reviewing. Whoops. Not that I didn't have a good excuse, cos I did. It's more I shouldn't let that much time go because then I forgot things about the book which may not make for the most helpful review.

I've had this book on my radar for awhile now, ever since Alice, Megs, Raych, and Rayna all had excellent things to say about it. So naturally it took me like 6 months to pick it up because I'm a brat like that.

Nicholas Falcott is a Marquess in London circa 1815 when those were a thing, until he's almost killed on a battlefield and flung forward in time. Which is convenient when the other options is "be killed" so that worked out nicely. He's met by a group called The Guild (that's not ominous or anything) who picks up these people who jump forward in time, because this is a thing that happens. They tell him they'll help him out, give him money and all he has to do is uphold Guild rules:

There Is No Return.
There Is No Return.
Tell No One.
Uphold the Rules.

He adapts to the future and things are going well until the Guild shows up and SURPRISE those first two rules about how you can never go back or more like guidelines and you can totally go back and no only that but Nick, you have to go back.

There's another group called the Ofan that want to do...something with time-travel that the Guild is not a fan of and there's a problem in the future with time doubling back on itself and other ominous time-travel, world-destroying stuff and Nick needs to seduce Ofan people and figure out what they're up to so the future can be saved. This does involve some awkward moments as he explains to his family where he's been for the past few years. (Amnesia in Spain. Obviously.)

It works out nicely that back in the past is a woman named Julia Percy. Her grandfather had a way with time travel but he's gone and now there's just her evil cousin who is busy being evil. In between trying to figure out what the Ofan is up to, what the true intentions of the Guild are, and saving the future, Julia and Nick have plenty of sexytimes.

There's nothing BAD about this book. The characters are well-drawn, it's an interesting time travel story, it's well-written. But overall I was sort of...eh on the book. There's nothing to dislike about it and I certainly don't regret reading it. I may even pick up the sequel considering this book ends on a cliff-hanger and if I want to know what happens with pretty much anything, I'm going to need to read the next book. But I was expecting to looooooooove this book and unfortunately I did not. I liked it. It entertained me at the time. And I mostly forgot about it once I put the book down.

BUT, if this sounds like your type of thing, you should check out those other review.s You should probably check out those reviews anyway because they are very good and funny and yeah.

GIF rating:

Title quote from page 10, location 192

Ridgway, Bee. The River of No Return. Plume, 2013. Kindle