Sex Object: I know I'm meant to be the bigger person

Sex Object is a memoir of resignation. Valenti writes about her life and mostly her experience being treated as a sex object before being treated as a person. It's an experience many women face and she focuses on how this sort of behavior can wear a person down. Some women who write online face an onslaught of constant abuse and are often expected to respond with sarcasm and humor.

Pretending these offenses roll off of our backs is strategic--don't give them the fucking satisfaction--but it isn't the truth. You lose something along the way.

This is not the most uplifting story. There's no silver lining and no real redemption. She starts with cat-calling and guys pressing up against her on the subway, going through her own sexual experiences, and eventually having a daughter and worried about her navigating this world. How your identity gets caught up in this treatment as a sex object.

A high school teacher once told me that identity is half what we tell ourselves and half what we tell other people about ourselves. Bu the missing piece he didn't mention--the piece that holds so much weight, especially in the minds of young women and girls--is the stories that other people tell us about ourselves. Those narratives become the ones we shape ourselves into.

The book doesn't offer solutions how to handle or respond to this kind of treatment. It's why it's a memoir instead of a self-help book. It's instead and opportunity to just acknowledge what happened, how it is tiring and how a funny quip isn't always the answer.

I know I'm meant to be the bigger person; I know you're not supposed to hate people because hate is bad for your soul. But so is getting called a cunt every day for ten years. 

It's hard to get excited over this book. It's good, and I'm glad I read it, but it's not a happy read.

Gif rating:

Title quote from page 141

Valenti, Jessica. Sex Object: A Memoir. Harper Collins, 2016.

We say motherhood is important, but we sure don't act that way

I've wanted to check out some more Jessica Valenti since I read her book Full Frontal Feminism a zillion years ago.* I have a few of her books on my TBR list and it turned out Why Have Kids was on sale one day, so I went with that one. Many of my reading choices are based on what's cheap at the moment.

I only somewhat remember Full Frontal Feminism at this point, but I'm still pretty confident in saying Why Have Kids is better.

Despite the title of this book, it isn't really a discussion on why one should or shouldn't have kids. The subtitle A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness is much more accurate. But it's less of an attention-grabby title, so I understand why they went with what they did. Valenti talks about her experiences being a mother and how the culture of motherhood is deeply flawed. Not that being a mother is a bad thing or a negative thing but the deification of mothers is bad for women because it suggests the ONLY way a woman can be worthy is if she's a mother.

She argues this isn't only a problem for women who have no interest in becoming a mother and having society pity them and tell them "you'll change your mind" and other very patronizing things, because man, society can be terrible.

She talks about how the whole idea that "mothers have the hardest, most rewarding, most important job in the world" is a way to tell women "the most important thing you can do is be a mother, so maybe don't worry so much about having a different career. Or at least don't worry about being paid so little for other work. I mean, that's not your true calling anyway."

She also talks about how the problem extends even to those women who want to be mothers, who are mothers, and who discover that being a mother isn't the key to ultimate happiness that they were promised.

She talks about how many laws do everything possible to protect the rights of the fetus while simultaneously ignoring the rights of the woman. How sometimes the woman is ignored as a person even when she's not pregnant because she could possibly become pregnant.

The book talks about a lot of things that make me rage-y, but that's sort of the point going into this book. You know with Valenti you're going to get feminist rants. That's why you're reading the book to begin with. The biggest argument Valenti makes is that motherhood is not the end-all-be-all. It's not necessarily going to be the most important thing you do. And that's OK, and it doesn't mean you love your kids any less, and the fact that this even needs to be affirmed shows how much of a problem this is.**

I highlighted a lot of this book and in what seems to be a theme here, I'm going to share a few of these quotes with you.

Parents expect their children to be their soul mates in the same way they expect of their spouse-they want children to make their lives and families complete. When these sweet little beings who are supposed to be the center of parents' universe don't manage to fulfill their lives completely, we come back to the most overwhelming sentiment of mothers across America: guilt.

The sentiment that women overwhelmingly hear is that if we don't think parenting is the most difficult thing we've ever done, if we don't find it exhausting and draining and killing our sex lives...well, we're doing it wrong.

How insulting is it to suggest that the best thing women can do is raise other people to do incredible things? I'm betting some of those women would like to do some great things of their own.

Overall a book I really enjoyed, despite the rage-y-ness. Because of the rage-y-ness? Both. I've been trying to figure out who I'd recommend this book to: women who want to have kids? are unsure if they want to have kids? know they don't want kids? I dunno, all of that, plus guys? Yeah, I think that last one works. It's an interesting take on the concept of motherhood in current American (and mostly Western) society.

*OK, it was like 3 years ago. But in internet years that's roughly a zillion. Also I apologize that my review for it isn't really a review but like 3 sentences mentioning that I read it and that I like the quote "Keepers of the all-powerful hymen." It really is a good quote, so not a total waste.

**There was recently a Guardian article titled "Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world" which goes over many of the same ideas, and you should probably read this as well.

Title quote from page 65, location 1044

Valenti, Jessica. Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness. New Harvest, 2012. Kindle edition.

Boston Book Festival, Full Frontal Feminism and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

It's a busy post so let's get started.

Bill Bryson at the Boston Book Festival
Saturday was the Boston Book Festival and who was there by Bill Bryson! I know, exciting.  I've mentioned before that he's one of my favorite authors and one of my go-to's if I want a quick read that I know I'll like. Earlier in the Spring I heard he had a new book coming out soon but it wasn't out just yet.  At Home is available now, though like Fforde's Shades of Grey I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback.  Bryson read a couple excerpts out of the book and talked about how little we know about the little things that are all around us.  Why is it "room & board", why is it salt & pepper that are always on the table?

I know Bryson is originally from Des Moines, Iowa and that he's lived in England for years but his accent still through me.  It's a mix of the two of them but after years of reading his book and not hearing what he sounds like I guess I made up my own version of what he sounds like.  He is a riot and he writes like he talks.  I was starving during the talk so roommate and I got linner instead of waiting around for book signing.  As I said I'd prefer the paperback version and while I like autographed copies of books I decided I didn't want to buy a hardback version and fight the crazy line while my stomach was crying for a sandwich.  But overall fun, windy times at the Boston Book Festival!

Update!: Both Brother and CurlyGeek04 pointed out that Bryson was on The Colbert Report so I found it on OnDemand.  If you're a fan of Bryson, or want to be, check this out.  It's pretty fantastic

Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters by Jessica Valenti
I first heard of the book on The Broke and the Bookish blog, so this is the second case where I read a book I heard about on a book blog.  (The first book was This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper.) I was going to use the quote "Keepers of the all-powerful hymen" (86) as the title of this post but because this is about more than just FFF so I went with my planned subtitle.  I laughed out loud when I read the quote, which was a little awkward seeing how I was sitting in a Texas airport at the time.  I read in public often so you'd think I'd be used to this by now but I still end up laughing and then fake-coughing.  It's pathetic, I know.  I was already getting odd looks from the guy across from me when he saw the cover so who know what he was thinking when I started laughing.

Anyway, this book is wonderful and I want to share it with everyone.  Feminism gets a bad rap when, as a past professor explained it, it really just means equality between the sexes.  It doesn't mean anger or that men are awful.  It's things that most people seem to agree with but the backlash against feminism prevents people from self-identifying as such. Valenti addresses stereotypes as well as problems within the feminist movement, goes into topics such as women in politics, beauty and media, reproductive rights and the "rape schedule".  There's nothing completely new and groundbreaking but the book serves as a wake-up call that things are better than they were but they aren't fixed and there is still more to do.  I want to reiterate that everyone, especially young women, should pick up this book.

My initial thoughts on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
*There may be some spoilers.  Not about the mystery in general but I will discuss certain plot points. So if you don't want to know them, I'll see ya next time! I'm on page 332, version details below*
I understand why the original title was Men Who Hate Women. That is a theme throughout obviously the Lisbeth Salander's encounters with her new guardian and even the stories of marriage in the Vanger family.  Parts 2 and 3 include statistics such as "Forty-six percent of the women in Sweden have been subjected to violence by a man" (139) and "Thirteen percent of the women in Sweden have been subjected to aggravated sexual assault outside of a sexual relationship" (299).  And I don't like rape scenes.  I can deal with ridiculous violence; I read American Psycho and while I disgusted by a lot of it (like the rat) I didn't want to throw the book down at any point.  But I don't like rape scenes, violent or otherwise.  On top of that I, so far anyway, don't care about the mystery.  I don't feel like the character of Mikael Blomkvist is well developed and I don't actually care about the mysterious disappearance of a women over forty years prior to the story.  I heard the story is slow in the first 100-150 pages, but that it really picks up after that.  It's not a hard read and I'm making it through but I'm hoping it picks up and I start to care soon.

Larsson, Stieg.  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Vintage Books, New York.  2008.

Valenti, Jessica.  Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters. Seal Press, Berkeley. 2007